Chaos
by andI'mstillinlove
Summary: I changed the story a little bit, so sorry for the inconsistencies. A product of too much time and a broken heart. Happy New Year


It wasn't ever perfect. Yeah sure, we looked like we were perfect, but we weren't really. Not all the time at least. Sure we talked a lot... At first. After the in-depth conversation about Zanarkand-that was so kindly interrupted by Sin- there were just some tense words exchanged; a quick "hi" or the ever popular "how are you?" How do you think she is? She's going to sacrifice herself just to bring ten years without pain, death, and suffering. But it was just that default question I'd ask when I'd awake groggy in the morning, only greeted by the dying embers of out previous fire and the distinct chill that accents the early mornings. But something else always greeted me, a silent guardian. Not so much one of the guardians out of the rabble that we were, but the person we were protecting. She would be staring at the dying fire or standing off to the side, facing the horizon as the sun began struggling up and making its first hints of life apparent.

I would arise whether it was because I had to go to the bathroom or my legs were cramping up, and I'd approach that summoner and sit or stand quietly with her for several moments, soaking in the first taste of a new day before asking the much sought after question. I never expected any other answer besides "Fine, and you?" What was I supposed to say to that? The girl looked like crap and was so obviously tired and stressed and on the verge of just keeling over from being so damned "happy" all the time, but she'd still try and fool me. I'd just reply with a loosely similar answer. "Tired." That always made her smile or giggle a little bit before turning back to the sun, now barely peaking over the straight line of eternity. She'd just zone out on that almost sun. Sometimes she'd close her eyes and stay like that until the other guardians began stirring. Other times she'd give a deep sigh, and turn to look at me instead of the inky darkness around us. She'd study me for a while, and sometimes I'd study her right back, taking in her features, what had changed since our last meeting, what stayed the same, anything. Either way, she always seemed to give off an aura of sadness, persistent hope, and silent faith that was usually apparent, whether in battle, in the camp, or even while sleeping, the feelings that I got never went away.

The awkward words and tense moments dissipated after a particular incident in which I took the hit from a fiend while she was rendered unconscious on the ground. She wouldn't have died from it, but I didn't want to have to wake up to see her not only alone and sad in that darkness, but also bruised or injured, and the possibility of seeing her hurt more then she already was sickened me. So, I was nursing the wounds that I had incurred when she first stirred from her sleep. Instead of me waking up to her, she was waking up to me. She arose from her mat and approached me, wary, almost as if thinking it was a dream. But when she looked down at me, face now bruised, and arm with a gash, I guess it dawned on her what had happened. She said nothing and sat down next to me on a large rock and we sat in silence, waiting for the day to break.

There was a silence that settled around us, and it was not disturbed until I heard a small sniff from the girl beside me. I turned to her, curious as to why she would have disturbed the peace she had so avidly kept before hand. Just as I turned, the sun peeped up, and several rays of light played against her face, illuminating the paths of water that ran down her face. I had no time to think or properly gage the situation before she burst out into soft sobs and began shaking, with me taking her swiftly in my arms as we stood up in unison, just barely before she collapsed into me from the sheer ferocity of her cries. My arms easily enveloped her small frame as she came apart in my grip. The carefully maintained image of the happy, never-frown girl was gone, replaced by a grief stricken, tear ravaged girl, coming undone in my arms. I didn't know what to do. I had seen it coming, but I didn't think I would be the one to witness it. It should have been Lulu, or Rikku, hell, it should have been anyone but me. I didn't deserve to see this. It was like watching your faith die before your eyes, being shot and clubbed repeatedly and bleeding to death before you while you stood rooted to the spot in sheer horror. It was witnessing an angel fall from Heaven. She stopped crying soon after, but she didn't make a move to step away, and I didn't make a move to remove my hold on the broken girl before me. We stood in silence while she buried her head further into my warmth as I realized she had become as cold as the morning air around us. This only made me tighten my grip, afraid I'd might lose this image of humanity. We stood there for untold minutes and seconds, me only keeping time by counting her quickened breathes and the slowly rising sun behind us.

I do believe that was the moment I fell in love with that Summoner named Yuna. I did not fall in love with the girl on the outside, the forced happiness, plastic smiles, and fake giggles given to the others. I fell in love with that girl that came out time to time. Usually in the dead of night, while I lay wide awake on my mat as the girl I loved sobbed and convulsed on hers, just mere inches away from me, crying out and trying to drain herself of all the sorrow and lies she lived with. Or in the early morning when I'd wake myself up on purpose to have those few silent moments alone with her, sometimes not so silent, but always good and pure, with no sounds but the waking world, and her quiet breathing that lulled me into a trance like state between being alive and dreaming of some far off world. While she was this serene girl during the early twilight, she was an annoying brat most other times, getting on my last nerves by just throwing a word or two my way. We'd get into so many shouting matches, Rikku and Wakka began taking count on one of Yuna's discarded rods, cutting notches into it with one of Rikku's knives. We'd fight about the stupidest things, whether it was me missing my watch on accident and making her stay up an extra few hours without bothering to wake me, or her forgetting to get firewood on Macalania Lake, while we stood there, freezing our asses off while she remembered it was her turn. But everytime we fought, we would make up after a long, dark, glare filled silence and would apologize, quickly hugging, and when no one was looking, we'd exchange a small smile and we'd blush and look away before it was noticed.

When we first kissed, it almost knocked me out it was so heartfelt and right. While everyone thought it was in the Macalania Spring, it was actually the first night in the Calm Lands. We were on the barren outcrops before the endless fields, and as usual I woke up to the girl, but a little earlier this time for some unspoken reason. I arose and approached her, and she was now staring long and hard at those cursed plains where her blood was bound to be spilt, and her bones rendered useless in a number of days. It scared her, and I knew it did. You could see the light in her eyes begin to die out, and the flicker of resistant hope began to fade from a blazing fire to the dying embers we slept around. I stood next to her, letting the soft wind whip my hair around, probably making it look worse then it already did (if possible) and somehow only barely unsettling her hair, making a few loose strands fall into her face. She didn't bother to brush them away or tuck them back in and just simply let them dance in the light breeze. The braided strand of hair with its beads clicked together in a soft music that only the wind could create. Finally, it bothered me so much that I reached hesitantly up and tucked the rogue strings away, my fingertips barely grazing her cheek, but still sending shivers up and down my spine at that small touch. She must have felt something too because she turned to me, looking up at me with glossy eyes, filled to the brim with un-wept tears and questions about her fate, as if I of all people could answer them.

Another strand fell upon her face. I reached up again and shooed it away, this time leaving my hand where it was, softly resting on her cheek as she instinctively leaned into it. I looked at her, eyes searching for the answers to my own questions, but finding nothing. We stood there, still as statues until she wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned into me. At first, I didn't understand what had happened. It was awkward to say the least, her inexperienced lips trying to somehow fit mine. I might have laughed at her attempt, removing my hand from her cheek and removing her hands from my neck, dropping them down as I grabbed at her neck and waist, pulling her closer to me, now crushing my lips against hers. I wanted it so badly. She did too, and her arms snaked back around my neck, playing with my hair in an attempt to make me kiss her harder or let up, one of the two. But all I could do was stay planted in the spot I was in. I wan in a trance as I stood there, kissing her as hard as I could, trying to make the moment last. Eventually though, she separated our lips just long enough to get more air and look up at me with now tear stained eyes as I watched the questions all evaporate from her eyes. She no longer had the lost without a cause look. She knew. I knew as well. She just barely breathed out those words before our heads came crashing back together, almost as if there were gravity between the two.

"I love you..."

I didn't pay any attention to them at the moment, only kissed her harder and harder until she stopped me, fear obviously in her eyes. I gave her a grim smile and swiftly kissed her one last time before I turned around and walked back to the camp and the stirring lumps on the ground. We never once spoke of what happened, and sometimes, on the peaks of Gagazet, or even one night in the ruins of my homeland, we repeated it, but nothing more nothing less. I began craving it, but I knew it wasn't mine to have. We reached Yunalesca and revelations were reached and ancient lies and truths were discovered. Another answer to the problem was reached, and a new journey began. The feelings between us got more intense as our fights became more frequent, and often ended in things being thrown or broken in our blind rage. But never once after those fights did we hate each other. I think that's what love is. Having only the capacity to love someone, never hate, but love towards them forever and ever.

But finally, the time came when I had to let everyone know I was leaving, and I only watched for Yuna's reaction as her face dropped into a permanent frown, tears instantly glazing over as done so many times before. It broke my heart to see her eyes flood up with tears, but not because she knew she was going to die, they were because I was going to die, or at least fade away. We fought, and I wanted it to last forever, but all things must end, and so did that eternal struggle. We were on the airship next and I watched her dance her beautiful dance that she sometimes did for me while we were alone, but with no creepy floating lights or moans of the dead. Sometimes I danced with her too. I wasn't half as good, but it was some good fun and made her laugh some. As she finished sending the last Aeon and finally Sin, I felt a searing pain rip through me. I glanced down and saw my hands beginning to fade. I took a deep breath and turned to face my friends, horror and sadness written on all of their faces, but I searched for Yuna's chiefly. Her eyes were filled with tears and the questions re-appeared, her lip trembling as she tried to hold back the raw emotion that she was feeling.

I shook my head and turned around, looking up at the stars we had so often looked at together, trying to name each one, only failing because we didn't know in the first place. I took one last breath of Spiran air and waved my friends goodbye, preparing to take my final steps, but I heard the rapid taps of boots on the roof behind me, and I felt Yuna hit me from behind, wrapping her arms around me, her tears already staining my shirt and leaking onto my skin. My hands gripped hers as she squeezed me until I couldn't breathe. Suddenly, her re-assuring warmth was gone, and I saw her fly through me and past me, falling to the ground. My eyes were now full of tears as well, and I looked hopelessly at Yuna.

Just then I heard it, barely loud enough for me to hear, but just loud enough for it to hit me, just like last time, except for this time, I understood what it meant. It hit me like a train, and I won't forget those moments that ticked by as I wished and prayed to something in the sky to leave me and Yuna alone, or at least for me to get enough courage to repeat the words. Neither happened, and just as Yuna struggled up, I ran through her, jumping off the airship, just as I heard her scream my name into the night sky. Before I plunged into the earth that was hurtling towards me, I whispered the words I had wanted to say since I had first laid eyes on that beautiful girl that I was leaving. Barely a ghost of a whisper, I said those words that had silently been killing me and had been waking me up at odd hours just to sit next to her for not even five minutes. The thing that had been wringing my heart out and had finally just broken it, leaving the pieces behind in Spira, with Yuna to guard until I came back.

"I love you too..."

Finis.

A/N:

It's been another year that I've been hopelessly in love with one of my best friends, another year that my heart has been breaking, and another year alone with nothing but my thoughts, memories of times long past, and regrets of what could have been and mistakes that had made all the difference. Here's to the New Year


End file.
